Helloooo, bad guys!!
Long time, no see?? Well, well, hope you are doing well.
Now let's talk about an issue which may seem harmless on the surface but can create big problems in the long run, "Negging". I am sure that most women had faced this on ZoZo, maybe some women couldn't recognize it as it can start very subtle sometimes and later escalates to emotional abuse and in relationships it can lead to physical abuse. And most negging on ZoZo can't be reported as it doesn't take the form of verbal abuse often.
"Negging", so what is it?
It is a manipulation technique to gradually manipulate a person in an attempt to seduce them or to get what one wants (which often works). It can create self-image issues in the victims, can cause depression, makes a person feel guilty about their decisions, and question their own judgements. It is a tactic to make the victim seek the perpetrator's approval as the victim starts thinking the perpetrator might be right so in the end the victim just gives in and gets abused over time.
So this is a convo between me and some guy, I know his ID since my first day on ZoZo. We conversed very less (in the beginning days of ZoZo), he flirts and makes overtly sexual remarks, sometimes sends porn gifs, abused me in the past, used to beg and sometimes uses guest IDs to ping. He gets muted often for whatever reason. I only block people when I find it extremely necessary so he got away many times cause I just report abuse and ignore it with my mind (I only have 2 on my blocklist and I get abused at least by one whenever I log in for keeping the gender "female" just like every girl). I usually ignore his messages but this time for some reason I opened his chat and I thought "maybe I should tell this guy explicitly so that he would self-reflect and understand" and to my disappointment, I was wrong.
Translation of chat:
P - Perpetrator
K - Me
P: Hi
P: Hello
K: Am just not interested so hope you understand and stop messaging me
P: I messaged you casually
K: You did, I am just saying don't
P: Why?
P: Tell me
K: Nothing, I just don't feel the vibe so stop messaging me in the future
[when someone is not feeling comfortable to even state the reason, you must understand that there must be something you did/are doing very wrong. If you know each other very well and you really care about them, give them time. If they care too they will open up eventually but if it is someone you hardly know, you better stop there and not push your luck. If you still can't understand why and what is the reason, you can try apologizing after a few days and ask politely why, it doesn't work always though]
P: Nothing will happen
P: Just sometimes, just like that
K: Don't, just like that
P: Gosh
P: Why are you behaving like I am doing something to you?
P: Saying don't don't
P: Nothing will happen, ok (so trying to make me comfortable with fake assurance
)
K: You must learn to take a no for whatever reason
P: Don't bullshit
P: Why so dull?
P: What happened? (showing fake concern)
K: Ufffffffffff
P: Why that expression?
K: This is the reason I don't like to talk to you
K: Don't ping me again, bye
[Now shit gets real, the chameleon starts showing its true colours]
P: Why?
P: Is talking to me reminding you of your ex? (he must be observing things or gathering info and WTF? Comparing himself to someone he doesn't even have a clue about)
P: You fully offered yourself up to him na (regressive mentality, character assassination)
K: Don't you have shame? Don't you get it? (at this point I felt the need to make him accept his true nature and I was irritated)
K: This is wrong with you, every time trying to go sexual way, double meanings
P: Do you have shame? (negging started)
K: JUST DON'T PING ME (I should have blocked him by this point, silly me)
P: You are not a pativrata (a chaste and pious woman)
P: You did it many times already (referring to sex)
P: Every girl here talks as if they are pious (regressive mentality pro, so every girl who doesn't oblige or give in to his whims is not a pious woman. WoW!!!)
[A woman who had multiple boyfriends/casual sex partners is as pious as a woman who kept her virginity till her marriage. Virginity is not a privilege, it is a choice. Respecting choices is what differentiates between a gentleman and an asshole. And guess what? Being a gentleman is also a choice]
K: You don't have the eligibility to talk about my chastity
K: When someone says a no, it is a no. Don't bug me again.
P: Gosh
P: You should be the one talking about eligibility (regressive mentality pro max, sarcasm intended to create self-doubt)
K: You were the one who started talking about chastity
P: What to do?
P: You are not a chaste woman na
K: I know what I am and my sex life is none of your business, so mind your language
P: Then why did you talk like sex is wrong?
P: Yeah, your business (referring to prostitution)
K: So because I had sex before, that gives you the right to bug me? So immature
K: I didn't say sex is wrong, I said am not interested, know the difference
P: Sex is common (so he just wants me to sext/sleep with him because I had sex before)
P: Oh really?
P: You girls only trust guys who use you and leave you (regressive mentality ultra pro max, he is the victim now, oh really?? He dares to think he is an innocent and good person)
K: This is your character, I knew you have such thinking so said am not interested, get some perspective on life, look within and find faults in you and then point fingers at others
K: Goodbye (and blocked which I should have done a long time ago. Forever in the blocklist)
Then I take a look at his friends list which is full of females. Then I see a familiar profile, a girl I recognize. A person who everyone likes in the room, she is funny, talks well, brings energy to the wall, got this innocent charm and spreads positive vibes every time. Then I wonder, "how did she end up on this guy's list?", "what tricks he might be playing on her?". It is none of my business but I can say this, one day he is definitely gonna make her feel very bad. Because these guys don't have a clue about what is a good relationship, they don't respect people, they think they are better than the others, and they just manipulate and act to get what they want. And when they don't get what they want, they will mock you and try to break you.
Imagine this guy gets married to some girl who had pre-marital sex and he later finds out about this, you know what will happen?? Now she has to oblige everything he says as in his mind she is not pious and he is her saviour. She may not be in the mood to have sex and may say no but he may rape her whenever he wants because "she is not pious" and that gives him the right.
There were many incidents of negging but there were 2 incidents I remember very well. There was an incident in which a guy started talking to me casually as I denied sexting. We talked about science and many things and sometimes he would explain me things and when I put my understanding and opinions forward he was like "you are wrong" and sometimes I was actually wrong. So that kinda got into my head and it became a habit and whenever he puts his opinion I was like "he might be right". Then one day he asked for sexting again, which I denied again.
Then he started saying things like "you lack coherence", "you act so pricey", and "you have so much attitude" which started affecting me, I couldn't figure out what was wrong as all was going fine. Then he started sending voice notes with kisses trying to seduce me, love-bombing me, calling me angel, bangaram (gold), saying he loves me and I told him not to do that and I don't want to be called like that. Then he got aggressive, and started using sexual slurs (not verbal abuse) with me suddenly saying, "you know what? I have seen over 70 pussies on cam here, you are nothing to me", "stop acting pricey, I have seen so many holes", "you know what? I can buy this site, don't show your attitude to me". So I wanted to report this guy but he deleted the chat. He has a few popular women on his friend list. So I approached a girl who is on his friend list, we knew each other for over a year so we are close enough and asked her opinion on him, she said that he is a good flirt, that he is very good at sexting and that she sexts with him. I explained to her the whole ordeal that happened between us then she also agreed and said, "yeah, he doesn't respect my opinions" and that he feels so entitled.
And there is another incident in which a guy said, "I will never ask you for sexting, I just find your thoughts very deep". He said, "you are totally unique", "you have so much clarity", and "you explain things very well". He chats very well on the wall and most people think he is a very good and funny guy. So we started chatting, then he started asking me for some way to contact me so that he can chat with me outside, I didn't give him anything so he started coming up with excuses and tried to persuade me to give him something. He used to drop clues sometimes out of context in between telling me how other girls like him, and sexted with him and enjoyed it, that he is trustworthy and how some are in touch with him outside. I didn't give in so after a few days we got into an argument, he used all his might and actually got succeeded to an extent in making me think I was at fault. So after a few days, I apologized as I made a few mistakes. And I figured we can never agree on things so we bid farewell to each other.
Then after a few days, he again pings me and asks me for sexting, that he wants to sext with me so badly, that he couldn't take me off his mind and he wants to make me happy. I politely denied the offer, he tried to persuade me again and again, so after a few arguments, he started saying things like, "you don't make sense at all", "you are so immature", "you can never win in an argument with me", "you are so dumb", "your writings have worst explanations", "you are shameless" and he uses everything to push me to the edge, to the point, that I got so angry, lost my all cool and dropped so many F-bombs on him and said goodbye. But what he did affect me for a few days. I was often thinking "maybe I was wrong", "maybe I am dumb", or "maybe I overreacted". So I apologized to him after a few days only to realize later, that he doesn't have an ounce of regret for what he said and he again started it and put the whole blame on me so I realized this guy is toxic and distanced myself totally. But even after that, I doubted myself to the point that I couldn't even trust my own judgement. So I approached 3 people I trust and explained to them what happened and sent some SS of the ordeal that happened between us after saying no. All 3 said that I was not wrong, my arguments were sound and apt, that he was hitting on my attitude, and that he was trying to drag me to his level. They even asked, "why didn't you block him? You made a mistake by taking all that shit from him". That made me feel a lot better. One of them said, "I didn't know he is this kinda guy, you opened my eyes" and another said, "I would slap him".
So my point is some people act decently as long as things are going their way and how they expect. I knew what was negging and was very aware of it yet it affected me. Being a good sexter or flirt doesn't warrant if someone is a gentleman. But how one handles things when things are not going his way says if one is a true gentleman or an asshole. If you are a gentleman, a no might turn into a yes eventually. Even when it doesn't turn into a yes, being a gentleman always rewards you. A gentleman makes the girl feel special through his genuine conversation, he doesn't manipulate the girl so that she thinks "I must change" to feel special in his eyes when nothing is wrong with her in the first place.
Unfortunately, we don't have a way to report neggars. They hide between the sweet words and are careful enough to not use verbal abuse often so that the victim might think, "maybe it was my fault". There is no way to report negging in the chat rooms, am not blaming anyone here, our staff are doing a great job but like I said negging can be very subtle so it can go unnoticed. So I request @Administrator to come up with some measures to deal with neggars in the future if possible, probably muting/kicking/banning them for a few hours to days. I am suggesting hours to days because negging has more effect on people than verbal abuse. In verbal abuse, we know for sure we are not at fault most times and that abuser is trying to seek our attention, in negging often we don't. If someone is getting reported again and again or by multiple people but there is no verbal abuse in it, it is most probably negging so if possible staff should carefully go through the reported chat and talk to the victim, if it checks out, it should call for a mute/kick/ban on them. That way we can avoid people getting hurt.
How to identify neggars?
Final word:
If there is anyone out there reading this and ever got negged, if you are comfy, I request you to share your experience. It gives people a better idea about this thing and there are immature people so it will make them self-reflect. So the more experiences shared, the better will come out of it. Let's hope neggars feel ashamed of themselves and change their behaviour.
Be alert
Say "No" to "Negging"
Say "No" to "Emotional abuse"
Edits:
2 May 2022
Changed misplaced P and Ks in chat translation to match with the right message
Long time, no see?? Well, well, hope you are doing well.
Now let's talk about an issue which may seem harmless on the surface but can create big problems in the long run, "Negging". I am sure that most women had faced this on ZoZo, maybe some women couldn't recognize it as it can start very subtle sometimes and later escalates to emotional abuse and in relationships it can lead to physical abuse. And most negging on ZoZo can't be reported as it doesn't take the form of verbal abuse often.
"Negging", so what is it?
It is a manipulation technique to gradually manipulate a person in an attempt to seduce them or to get what one wants (which often works). It can create self-image issues in the victims, can cause depression, makes a person feel guilty about their decisions, and question their own judgements. It is a tactic to make the victim seek the perpetrator's approval as the victim starts thinking the perpetrator might be right so in the end the victim just gives in and gets abused over time.
So this is a convo between me and some guy, I know his ID since my first day on ZoZo. We conversed very less (in the beginning days of ZoZo), he flirts and makes overtly sexual remarks, sometimes sends porn gifs, abused me in the past, used to beg and sometimes uses guest IDs to ping. He gets muted often for whatever reason. I only block people when I find it extremely necessary so he got away many times cause I just report abuse and ignore it with my mind (I only have 2 on my blocklist and I get abused at least by one whenever I log in for keeping the gender "female" just like every girl). I usually ignore his messages but this time for some reason I opened his chat and I thought "maybe I should tell this guy explicitly so that he would self-reflect and understand" and to my disappointment, I was wrong.
Translation of chat:
P - Perpetrator
K - Me
P: Hi
P: Hello
K: Am just not interested so hope you understand and stop messaging me
P: I messaged you casually
K: You did, I am just saying don't
P: Why?
P: Tell me
K: Nothing, I just don't feel the vibe so stop messaging me in the future
[when someone is not feeling comfortable to even state the reason, you must understand that there must be something you did/are doing very wrong. If you know each other very well and you really care about them, give them time. If they care too they will open up eventually but if it is someone you hardly know, you better stop there and not push your luck. If you still can't understand why and what is the reason, you can try apologizing after a few days and ask politely why, it doesn't work always though]
P: Nothing will happen
P: Just sometimes, just like that
K: Don't, just like that
P: Gosh
P: Why are you behaving like I am doing something to you?
P: Saying don't don't
P: Nothing will happen, ok (so trying to make me comfortable with fake assurance
)K: You must learn to take a no for whatever reason
P: Don't bullshit
P: Why so dull?
P: What happened? (showing fake concern)
K: Ufffffffffff
P: Why that expression?
K: This is the reason I don't like to talk to you
K: Don't ping me again, bye
[Now shit gets real, the chameleon starts showing its true colours]
P: Why?
P: Is talking to me reminding you of your ex? (he must be observing things or gathering info and WTF? Comparing himself to someone he doesn't even have a clue about)
P: You fully offered yourself up to him na (regressive mentality, character assassination)
K: Don't you have shame? Don't you get it? (at this point I felt the need to make him accept his true nature and I was irritated)
K: This is wrong with you, every time trying to go sexual way, double meanings
P: Do you have shame? (negging started)
K: JUST DON'T PING ME (I should have blocked him by this point, silly me)
P: You are not a pativrata (a chaste and pious woman)
P: You did it many times already (referring to sex)
P: Every girl here talks as if they are pious (regressive mentality pro, so every girl who doesn't oblige or give in to his whims is not a pious woman. WoW!!!
)[A woman who had multiple boyfriends/casual sex partners is as pious as a woman who kept her virginity till her marriage. Virginity is not a privilege, it is a choice. Respecting choices is what differentiates between a gentleman and an asshole. And guess what? Being a gentleman is also a choice]
K: You don't have the eligibility to talk about my chastity
K: When someone says a no, it is a no. Don't bug me again.
P: Gosh
P: You should be the one talking about eligibility (regressive mentality pro max, sarcasm intended to create self-doubt)
K: You were the one who started talking about chastity
P: What to do?
P: You are not a chaste woman na
K: I know what I am and my sex life is none of your business, so mind your language
P: Then why did you talk like sex is wrong?
P: Yeah, your business (referring to prostitution)
K: So because I had sex before, that gives you the right to bug me? So immature
K: I didn't say sex is wrong, I said am not interested, know the difference
P: Sex is common (so he just wants me to sext/sleep with him because I had sex before)
P: Oh really?
P: You girls only trust guys who use you and leave you (regressive mentality ultra pro max, he is the victim now, oh really?? He dares to think he is an innocent and good person)
K: This is your character, I knew you have such thinking so said am not interested, get some perspective on life, look within and find faults in you and then point fingers at others
K: Goodbye (and blocked which I should have done a long time ago. Forever in the blocklist)
Then I take a look at his friends list which is full of females. Then I see a familiar profile, a girl I recognize. A person who everyone likes in the room, she is funny, talks well, brings energy to the wall, got this innocent charm and spreads positive vibes every time. Then I wonder, "how did she end up on this guy's list?", "what tricks he might be playing on her?". It is none of my business but I can say this, one day he is definitely gonna make her feel very bad. Because these guys don't have a clue about what is a good relationship, they don't respect people, they think they are better than the others, and they just manipulate and act to get what they want. And when they don't get what they want, they will mock you and try to break you.
Imagine this guy gets married to some girl who had pre-marital sex and he later finds out about this, you know what will happen?? Now she has to oblige everything he says as in his mind she is not pious and he is her saviour. She may not be in the mood to have sex and may say no but he may rape her whenever he wants because "she is not pious" and that gives him the right.
There were many incidents of negging but there were 2 incidents I remember very well. There was an incident in which a guy started talking to me casually as I denied sexting. We talked about science and many things and sometimes he would explain me things and when I put my understanding and opinions forward he was like "you are wrong" and sometimes I was actually wrong. So that kinda got into my head and it became a habit and whenever he puts his opinion I was like "he might be right". Then one day he asked for sexting again, which I denied again.
Then he started saying things like "you lack coherence", "you act so pricey", and "you have so much attitude" which started affecting me, I couldn't figure out what was wrong as all was going fine. Then he started sending voice notes with kisses trying to seduce me, love-bombing me, calling me angel, bangaram (gold), saying he loves me and I told him not to do that and I don't want to be called like that. Then he got aggressive, and started using sexual slurs (not verbal abuse) with me suddenly saying, "you know what? I have seen over 70 pussies on cam here, you are nothing to me", "stop acting pricey, I have seen so many holes", "you know what? I can buy this site, don't show your attitude to me". So I wanted to report this guy but he deleted the chat. He has a few popular women on his friend list. So I approached a girl who is on his friend list, we knew each other for over a year so we are close enough and asked her opinion on him, she said that he is a good flirt, that he is very good at sexting and that she sexts with him. I explained to her the whole ordeal that happened between us then she also agreed and said, "yeah, he doesn't respect my opinions" and that he feels so entitled.
And there is another incident in which a guy said, "I will never ask you for sexting, I just find your thoughts very deep". He said, "you are totally unique", "you have so much clarity", and "you explain things very well". He chats very well on the wall and most people think he is a very good and funny guy. So we started chatting, then he started asking me for some way to contact me so that he can chat with me outside, I didn't give him anything so he started coming up with excuses and tried to persuade me to give him something. He used to drop clues sometimes out of context in between telling me how other girls like him, and sexted with him and enjoyed it, that he is trustworthy and how some are in touch with him outside. I didn't give in so after a few days we got into an argument, he used all his might and actually got succeeded to an extent in making me think I was at fault. So after a few days, I apologized as I made a few mistakes. And I figured we can never agree on things so we bid farewell to each other.
Then after a few days, he again pings me and asks me for sexting, that he wants to sext with me so badly, that he couldn't take me off his mind and he wants to make me happy. I politely denied the offer, he tried to persuade me again and again, so after a few arguments, he started saying things like, "you don't make sense at all", "you are so immature", "you can never win in an argument with me", "you are so dumb", "your writings have worst explanations", "you are shameless" and he uses everything to push me to the edge, to the point, that I got so angry, lost my all cool and dropped so many F-bombs on him and said goodbye. But what he did affect me for a few days. I was often thinking "maybe I was wrong", "maybe I am dumb", or "maybe I overreacted". So I apologized to him after a few days only to realize later, that he doesn't have an ounce of regret for what he said and he again started it and put the whole blame on me so I realized this guy is toxic and distanced myself totally. But even after that, I doubted myself to the point that I couldn't even trust my own judgement. So I approached 3 people I trust and explained to them what happened and sent some SS of the ordeal that happened between us after saying no. All 3 said that I was not wrong, my arguments were sound and apt, that he was hitting on my attitude, and that he was trying to drag me to his level. They even asked, "why didn't you block him? You made a mistake by taking all that shit from him". That made me feel a lot better. One of them said, "I didn't know he is this kinda guy, you opened my eyes" and another said, "I would slap him".
So my point is some people act decently as long as things are going their way and how they expect. I knew what was negging and was very aware of it yet it affected me. Being a good sexter or flirt doesn't warrant if someone is a gentleman. But how one handles things when things are not going his way says if one is a true gentleman or an asshole. If you are a gentleman, a no might turn into a yes eventually. Even when it doesn't turn into a yes, being a gentleman always rewards you. A gentleman makes the girl feel special through his genuine conversation, he doesn't manipulate the girl so that she thinks "I must change" to feel special in his eyes when nothing is wrong with her in the first place.
Unfortunately, we don't have a way to report neggars. They hide between the sweet words and are careful enough to not use verbal abuse often so that the victim might think, "maybe it was my fault". There is no way to report negging in the chat rooms, am not blaming anyone here, our staff are doing a great job but like I said negging can be very subtle so it can go unnoticed. So I request @Administrator to come up with some measures to deal with neggars in the future if possible, probably muting/kicking/banning them for a few hours to days. I am suggesting hours to days because negging has more effect on people than verbal abuse. In verbal abuse, we know for sure we are not at fault most times and that abuser is trying to seek our attention, in negging often we don't. If someone is getting reported again and again or by multiple people but there is no verbal abuse in it, it is most probably negging so if possible staff should carefully go through the reported chat and talk to the victim, if it checks out, it should call for a mute/kick/ban on them. That way we can avoid people getting hurt.
How to identify neggars?
- They are narcissistic, self-centered, have a high opinion of themselves so they often disrespect your opinions
- Whenever you express your concern they often make you feel bad about yourself
- They make you feel good one minute and then the next minute they make you feel bad, making you confused, it makes your brain let its guard down
- They say rude things often and when you point it out, they often say things like "I was just joking", "have some sense of humour" instead of showing regret or expressing they are sorry
- Whenever an argument occurs or you are feeling sorry, they start blaming all on you and they make themselves the victim
- They often shoot questions in a way, that they insult you
- They often compare you with others or their previous partners when you don't oblige
- They often mock you in the name of constructive criticism but there is nothing constructive about what they say, they just say it to hurt you
- Often they make you feel the need to get their approval
- Often you are the one changing your behaviour to fit into their box of perception even when there is nothing wrong with you
- They often try to control your thinking
- They often maintain a good public image so that when they do something wrong in pvt and try to manipulate you, you compare their public and pvt versions and you might start to think you are at fault, so you wouldn't report or come out hence creating more opportunity for the perpetrator to emotionally torment you
Final word:
If there is anyone out there reading this and ever got negged, if you are comfy, I request you to share your experience. It gives people a better idea about this thing and there are immature people so it will make them self-reflect. So the more experiences shared, the better will come out of it. Let's hope neggars feel ashamed of themselves and change their behaviour.
Be alert
Say "No" to "Negging"
Say "No" to "Emotional abuse"
2 May 2022
Changed misplaced P and Ks in chat translation to match with the right message
Last edited:
